Most times I longed for the end to an enduring journey; this time was different. What awaited me at this journey’s end I could wait another lifetime to find.The previous hour was surreal. I vaguely remember being called away from the meeting to the phone that afternoon. Even the words I heard on the other end of the line seemed less than valid. What followed as I gathered up my belongings was life in slow motion, and not very clear.
Then I was in the truck heading down the highway; I remember saying I really wanted a coffee; we stopped at Tim Hortons; I drank my coffee and cried.
I remember saying how angry I felt. Someone said to me “It’s all right to be angry”. Why was I angry? It was truly of no use to be angry now (or before for that matter).
I didn’t call the night before like I said I would. Why didn’t I call? The answer (if I had one) would make positively no difference now.
“Is there anyone we can call for you?” someone asked. I replied “no” but not recognizing it was only an offer of genuine caring, I wanted to scream at them “what kind of a stupid question is that?” Thank goodness I didn’t.
“Where would you like us to take you when we get to the city?” I had no idea where I wanted them to take me. I felt like shouting “take me some place where someone can take away this day and restore my life to where it was yesterday”.
They assured me it was all right to cry, scream, holler or do whatever I needed to do. Although I couldn’t stop the tears I wondered and wanted to ask them “What good will any of that do?”
What I really wanted was to erase the last couple hours, drink my coffee, watch the traffic go by, look at the cattle in the fields as we passed, think about my beautiful grand babies, hear the wind ripple through the leaves and the water run in the stream, see the smile on the faces around my kitchen table, hear the laughter, think about sitting in the moonlight and maybe if I could just fall asleep I might awake to a completely different scene. That’s what I wanted.
The closer we got to our destination the more I dreaded arriving. As strange as this may sound I wanted to get there but I didn’t want to be there. I really did not want this journey to end but end it must because sooner or later, with the wheels turning, you do arrive at where you are going.
As we pulled into the parking lot and I looked at the condo I had been inside so many times before I had a strong urge to jump out, run and keep running………….far away. (If I did, maybe that would mean this journey had not come to its end.) I didn’t of course. I went inside to where my little family was waiting but one beautiful daughter was not there. She would never be with us again. Like mine, her journey had ended; in a much altered way.
Saturday Writing Prompt (WFSC) July 02, 2011
