Always on My Mind & in My Heart

March 29......another year has passed.

The hours, the days, the weeks, the months and the years go by.........but still I wish it didn't have to be (even though I know it is).

Does that ever go away?..............

I don't think so.............. 

The Dad the Partner the Warrior

(My poetic tribute to Doug and thoughts for his family)

         The Dad the Partner the Warrior

         (for Doug, in fond remembrance)

                  (April 24, 1946 to March 11, 2013)

                   The day has ended the sun has set

                   Your hearts are heavy with the question

                   It will be asked though answer none

                   ours may not be to know the reason

                   His time with us, he planned and charted

                   to fight the fight with honor and distinction

                   to defend the trodden, those unheard

                   and spend with you his loved ones

                   He believed he could……..and so he did

                   Along the path his humor brought a smile

                   on more occasions than were counted

                   Along the path his songs rang in the clouds

                   as joy he gladly shared with everyone

                   Along the path his struggles oftentimes

                   were handed out to him as if deserved

                   But he shall weep no more from pain

                   his own or those in need

                   Wisdom of discoveries he left behind

                   from the journey he chose to take

                   Hold it tight inside your heart

                   close beside the memories of his love

                   From a place of peace now he will tend

                   with you still in every tiny grain of sand

                   walking with you in the dawn of morning

                   sitting beside you as the sunshine disappears

                   He will glisten on your cheeks

                   in every little raindrop

                   You’ll feel his touch

                   as the grass sways with the breeze

                   Listen, you’ll hear his voice

                   in every chirp and bark and crackling twig

                   As you hold him close with special love

                   he’ll give you strength to carry on your journey

                   The dad…….the partner……the warrior

                   In love    in truth    in justice, honor and in freedom

                   He’ll be with you always

                                                                                                                    grace carr

                                                                                                                    March 11, 2013

It Was November 1980

My heart is truly sad to write this blog today;  I feel so inadequate to pay tribute to Doug but I want, in some small way, to recognize this distinguished human being; one I feel so honored to have known....Doug Christie.

It was November 20, 1980............I heard for the first time, a very brave Douglas Christie speak to a packed audience at the Jubilee Auditorium in Edmonton. This rally followed closely behind the announcement (by the Trudeau government) of the National Energy Policy......Doug spoke about the need for Western Independence.

It was March 11, 2013......I received the news that Doug was gone; he had died of Metastatic Liver Cancer; a shock to everyone because only two weeks previous he had been in court defending a client and was insisting after his visit to hospital that he wanted to go back to finish the case (not wanting to let his client down). Doug would defend freedom no longer......he was indeed himself, finally free!

Thirty three years of defending and fighting for our freedom.......WOW!

During those thirty three years Doug defended many whose rights were being threatened and more often than not he was placed in the same category as the accused. He spent his entire career consistently, passionately and with determination fighting for our rights and freedoms and defending those whose freedom was being threatened; he for certain, 'took the road less traveled'. Doug was loved by many supporters and hated by many who felt threatened by his love and defense of freedom. On occasion his supporters would find themselves also in the position of those who questioned him, simply because of the nature of such a warrior!

Also during those thirty three years Doug added to his legacy, caring partner to Keltie and devoted father to Kalonica & Cadeyrn. They are richer for having him in their lives; he was blessed to have had such a partner standing beside him and the love and support of his family.

There seems no solace when we lose a loved one; I cannot say you will forget; I cannot say the pain will go away; I cannot say something else will replace his presence in your life.........I can say one day you will be able to talk about him with a smile; the pain will become less intense; you will remember fondly life with this wonderful and intricate man and be able to talk about him without the incredible sadness you are feeling now.

My love and thoughts are with you now and in the days ahead as you go through this terribly sad part of your lives; I know you will find the loving support from each other needed to weather this storm.

As a final tribute to Doug I want to say that 'he might have hurt me sometimes with the truth, but I always knew he would never try to comfort me by telling me something that was a lie'. Thank you Doug for fighting for so long and hard for my freedom. We are all better for having known you.

Visit with family

On my quick trip home, I got much needed 'hugs 'n hugs 'n hugs' from my little family in Alberta. I miss them so much and wish we lived closer and could visit on week-ends etc.

I stayed at Shelby and Brodie's (it was in the city and was closer to the hospital for visiting my brother); thank you guys for letting me bunk with you; it was wonderful to see you again. Aaron and Diane came to visit two evenings; it was so nice to see them also. We had a good visit and played games; it was great!

Sarah came over to Shelby & Brodie's (also on two evenings); was nice to see her again as well.

Tammy met me in St. Alberta for a visit which was great; it was wonderful to see her again also. 

I'm really sorry I couldn't give you all more notice but circumstances dictated and I had a rush trip.......in and out before I even realized I had been home to visit.........I missed seeing my 'littlest' grandbaby, Benji(e).....that was disappointing but sometimes 'stuff' happens and there is not a whole lot we can do about the situations we are given.

Oh musn't forget.....I got to have lunch and visit with Joan too. Was so nice to see her again.

Thinking of Carl

March 1st I got a frightening call from Shirley about my brother Carl. He was in hospital in ICU at the Royal Alex Hospital; they were not sure if he would make it through the night.

Booking a flight, I made a quick trip to Edmonton; arrived at the hospital the next afternoon to find him quite unresponsive, although at times I believe he was aware that I was with him. He had 2 cardiac arrests during the first few hours following his arrival to the hospital, his blood pressure was very low and staff said if he were to suffer another cardiac arrest they would not be able to treat him because he was already receiving the medication that would be needed to treat the arrest. He underwent exploratory surgery in search of the cause of his condition and further surgery to close up the incision from that surgery (sounds strange to me but what do I know). Up to this point I don't believe they have found the cause of this upset. Spending four days in Edmonton, visiting each day, he seemed at times to improve and at times to go downhill. I returned home the evening of March 5th and it seemed that he was very slowly improving. 

The following days brought about the removal of the breathing tube, removal from continual dialysis (although he will remain on dialysis even when he is well enough to return home), regulation of his diabetes and removal of the feeding tube when he began eating on his own.

At this point we are hopeful that he will recover and I am hopeful that he will be able to return home again.

He misses Sparky (his dog) as I'm sure Sparky misses him and Carl would be ecstatic if Shirley were able to bring him up to visit. Hopefully he will be up soon and can go outside to have a short visit with him outside.

Carl, if you are able to read this............I want you to examine very closely, how we can possibly go out for coffee if you are going to continue laying in the bed you are in..........so I guess what I'm saying is 'get off your butt, get out of that bed and let's go out on the town'. I'm hoping to be able to have a visit with you on the phone soon (when Shirley brings up your Cell Phone). In the mean time I'm sending my usual special 'Magic Dust' to take very good care of you.........and hoping you are able to get home soon!
Stay tuned for the update!

Mistake Anyone?

We are told the best way to learn is to make mistakes..........then why are we always so worried about making them?

I don't like to make a mistake; at least what I call a mistake. Perhaps I was taught 'mistake=failure'.

Fear is probably the main reason we try to avoid making mistakes and we are taught very early on to 'run-for-your-life' when you spot fear.

Oh, the many faces of fear..........

Faced with the dilemma of what to wear Sarah picked the soft baggy sweats and the rodeo t-shirt. Just before she walked out the door though a tap on the shoulder said "What is everyone going to think if you walk in to the party dressed this way?" That little tap on the shoulder came from somewhere deep inside; the place that wonders if the choice Sarah made is the right one or if it is a mistake.........a mistake that might allow other people to pass judgement and 'gossip' about her. In the end fear wins; Sarah decides, even though the sweats are the most comfortable, she will find something else to wear....something others will not point at, pick at, and talk about.

A friend brings a proposal for Simon's consideration; 'to borrow money using his house as collateral' in order to invest in a business venture he and two others are considering. The money will be paid back at a very high interest rate and Simon stands to gain substantial return on his investment including a share in a lucrative business should everything go according to plan. After spending many hours thinking about it fear again wins; Simon decides although he may profit handsomely, there is also the chance he could lose his home if the venture is not successful; he doesn't want to make a mistake that will result in the loss of his house.

Fear......we fear what others think; we fear losing something of value; we fear consequences; we fear being hurt; we fear hurting others; we fear being wrong or feeling embarrassed; we fear that someone is better than we are; we fear the expense of a mistake; we fear failure; we fear the cost in terms of money, lives or injury..........we fear, we fear. So I wonder..........is making mistakes really a good route to learning?

I'm wondering, if it is said that making a mistake is the best way to learn, is it because making a mistake can leave such traumatic results that the person making the mistake can forever be scarred from having made the stupid blunder...............? Of course one won't repeat a mistake like that and it could be said 'you have learned' something from it, but at what cost? Examining all the possibilities we realize sometimes learning can hurt. While it is true, we do learn when we make a mistake.........are there better ways to learn?

On the Edge

"I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center."                                             - Kurt Vonnegut

Wisdom to live by.......so long as we remember the risk involved in living on the edge, even if we think we are staying far enough back that we won't go over.

They said I was living on the edge but I had no idea how that could make any possible sense; I was living in order to enjoy the days allotted to me; I believed an opportunity missed was time lost, not to be recovered.......ever. I wanted to experience every situation presented to me and even some I had to search out.

It was time; heat of day was beginning to rest for the evening; birds were perching in the trees to listen to the peace; sounds of the countryside were quieting; an amazing, vibrant sky slowly built; breezes calmed. Nothing matched the calm or the feelings evoked from this time; days end. The few clouds still floating would soon be concealed by the skies belonging to the setting sun; in the mean time they billowed overhead with a golden hue and a mystery unparalleled.

There was only one place to witness the beauty of this picture and as quickly as I could dawn my hat, I wasted no time getting there. At first I stood atop the peak gazing across the landscape, just taking in the beauty before me; the peace; the smell; the color. Before long I was on the very edge, lost in the magic of this scene; all life seemed insignificant compared to the setting sun I was gazing at. The golden orange glow grew with each passing moment; the clouds mingled and became one with the colors, shapes changed as I looked on; the sun dropped almost quickly enough to see its movement. Mesmerized with the beauty of the glowing fireball, my thoughts began to examine the paradox I might be missing.

It was beginning to crumble away from beneath me as I sat transfixed with the sight to the west of our little village; such reality, yet surreal; such beauty, yet subordinate; so bright, yet sobering; so glorious, yet normal; so powerful, yet delicate. How could one circumstance create such abounding contradiction? Not paying attention to where I sat, the earth silently crumbled away and I found myself sliding down the mountainside, slowly sinking;  being covered with the rocks and debris coming behind me. I remember thinking on the way down "Wow what a ride I have had on the edge" as I sank deeper and deeper and knew I would soon be buried.