Die in Each Other's Arms

The day has dawned bright, sun shining through sheers on the east bedroom window. At first flutter of your eyelid when sleep is being stepped on by morning, needing no coaxing, I am ready. I was ready as you slept and little known to you I was in charge then also. I watch as your eyes slowly try to focus on the sunlight. At first recognition I place a curtain between you and the sunshine; a curtain so dark and thick that only sheer delight can penetrate it. You have no delight; only despair. What has begun as a bright and sunny day for you, I have quickly transformed into a dreary hopeless time that you are forced to endure.

Knowing you must tend to your job and your day, you begrudgingly drag yourself over the bed's edge to place your unwilling feet on the carpet covering the room you don't want to leave. Five minutes pass as your thoughts meander about trying to figure out why you feel this way. Eventually you stand. It takes another five minutes for you to decide on your next move. You can't make a decision about whether to shower, get dressed without showering, or crawl back into bed, your first order of choice being the latter. All the while I hold your hand; urge you to do what it is you want most to do. I hold tight so there is no possibility you can ignore me.

You have somehow managed the decision to get dressed without taking a shower, pick up the clothes you wore yesterday and shuffle into them. They smell but I remind you that it doesn't matter; they will do just fine.

In the kitchen the choice between tea and coffee is so overwhelming you think perhaps you won't bother with either.........but you want a hot drink. You make coffee. You make tea. You pour coffee. You pour tea. You drink neither because you can't decide which it is you want. I ensure your indecision, making sure I remain in control.

You are expected at work today; you have many people counting on you. To get your lunch ready seems like a daunting task so you don't bother with any. You may have to go out for some fast comfort food for lunch. Knowing what is best for you I insist you do exactly that. Making lunch is too much bother and takes too much energy. You will do nicely at Wendy's or McDonalds.

It comes to mind during your lunch thoughts, not only have you not showered, you haven't even washed your face or brushed your teeth. I am quick to remind you it is immaterial and won't matter a hair if you don't bother with that today. There is always tomorrow for such tasks (never do today what you can put off until tomorrow, right?).......Good; glad we got that figured out.

Glen is coming downstairs. He reaches out to give you a hug but I urge you to back away. Why is he trying to interfere with our relationship anyway? You back away and look up into eyes that reflect the pain of estrangement. Glen doesn't understand what is happening and I don't encourage you to try explaining it to him in fact I like it better that he feels completely left out. Taking your hand we turn and walk away from him.

It will soon be time to be on your way to work. Work........it takes your attention away from me. I try to keep you engaged but when you get busy there are periods of time during which I lose control. It would be better if you stayed home today. I tell you that. Your only argument; "I have to go to work. I have already missed too much." Encouraged you have given me the opportunity to interject I gently remind you how tired you are and need to rest. It doesn't take much persuading. You slowly turn and head back toward your bedreoom. I notice the sunshine coming in through the kitchen window and quickly block it with one of those thick dark curtains as you pass by.

Still dressed you close the bedroom door and flop down on your bed. Soon there is a little knock on the door which I encourage you to ignore. The door opens; a young voice calls out "Mommy are you OK?" You reply that you don't feel well and won't be going to work today. There is no hug, no smile for the young voice who is concerned about you. I insist that you ignore that voice and close your eyes. Before long, dejected, she turns away, closing the door behind her. You grab a cover and pull it up over your head to cover the tears that are falling. Silly tears; I hate it when you cry.

You are in the deepest, darkest part of your world right now. I want to keep you there, away from your family, your friends, your life, convincing you I am the only friend you need and the only one who is able to help you figure out your life.

I am depression. Keep me to yourself and we will die in each other's arms.

I wrote this blog entry because I know first hand from years past what it's like to suffer alone with depression, afraid or unwilling to let anyone in and I know and have known many others in the same space. Wishing I knew how to help them, I try by being there and encourage them to seek outside guidance.

Thoughts For Japan

Disaster yet again; a most devastating earthquake and tsunami hits Japan.

I have no understanding of what it must be like to go through such a time; I can only try to imagine. What I know is that my heart goes out to the people of Japan who have had to bear this nightmare; the survivors; those who perished; those who are left behind to pick up the peices. The world for these people will never be the same; they will never forget this event in their life.

My prayers and thoughts are with Japan.

Gump

Forrest Gump has to be one of my all-time-favorite films. We just watched it once more a few days ago and I was engrossed all over again. The character of Forrest Gump reminds us all (and teaches some) about the realities of life. This character portrays (in an innocent way only the mentally challenged can) every single emotion given a label.
"My Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get." It was spoken with unparalleled innocence in a fashion only found in the character of Forrest Gump and portrayed by Tom Hanks, the two having become in my mind, synonymous; when I think of either the other comes to mind.

"Mama always said dying was a part of life. I sure wish it wasn't." This makes me want to reach out and hug him....and oh how I sure also wish dying wasn't a part of life. Even if the dying have moved on to a better place (I believe that's so) it's still so hard to say goodbye.

"Stupid is as stupid does."...........and so by their actions are they stupid who call others so.

"That's all I have to say about that."..........how to say it more simple, caring, honest and innocent I don't know.

"We was always taking long walks and we was always looking for a guy named Charlie." A young man like the character of Forrest Gump should not have been taken to war but many were and I'm sure many lost their lives.

"My mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on." He took everything his mama said literally, applied her advice to living his life and didn't grow bitter or seek revenge.

"Mama always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them." His mama was his rock. I could weep at the loss an individual such as Gump would feel to lose her from his life.

"She got the cancer and died on Tuesday. I bought her a new hat with flowers on it. And that's all I have to say about that." Explanation enough. He didn't offer needless words to evoke sympathy from anyone even though his heart was broken with the loss of his mama.

There are so many quotes from this film; it's hard to choose just a few to comment on.

Forrest Gump came into my life because he was on my television screen in my own living room. He touched me in countless ways and wiggled his way right into my heart (along with his mama).

Happy Valentines Day

Valentines Day is not just chocolates and little red candies (though they are really quite yummy). It's a day to say I love you in a unique way.........not that we ever need a certain day to say I love you.........it just reminds us of the opportunity to make it special.

Happy Valentines Day to everyone!

The Burning Question

What is your burning question today?

My burning question today is "What shall I blog about?" and so I have chosen to write about life's questions.

Some days I have important burning questions; some days I have seemingly silly and unimportant burning questions. Some questions (even though the answer comes quickly & easily) are grave and have a profound effect on my life. Other questions (even though the answer comes with much difficulty & contemplation) are simple and straighforward. Sometimes I have one question which seems to plague me the entire day, other times I have what seems like hundreds of questions that continue on and on throughout the day; as soon as I have answered one another will pop up.

My memory serves to remind me of one very important question "Shall I marry?". The answer I quickly and easily came up with was 'Yes' and as I look back on my life the answer should have been the opposite; I came up with the wrong answer for this situation. Having said that if I hadn't married I would never have had the two beautiful children I had nor the three wonderful grandchildren I was blessed with. So although I believe I came up with the wrong answer I certainly reaped some rewards from my answer to that question.

Another question that comes up almost every single day "What shall I wear?". This pretty simple question can sometimes occupy several agonizing minutes of time before I have it answered.

Some people say that if you look long enough and hard enough you will always find an answer but I think some questions have answers, some it seems I can find no answers to. I have been faced with such a question as "Why ever did she treat me like that?". I can examine, research, delve into and search for an answer for a very long time & eventually realize I will never know the answer to that particular question; I can only guess at an answer.

Burning questions..........questions............

It is said life is all about choices but, in order to make a choice we must first have asked a question, so maybe life is really all about questions. What do you think?

When I have answered my burning question of the day though (or decided there is no answer to be found) I have most often discovered that whether important or silly there was a purpose for the question to have come up; I followed a process to get to the answer and learned something along the way so don't ignore any of your questions. Search for an answer; you may gain surprising insight in your search.

I Shall Never Forget the Day.........

Back and forth, back and forth, the ball was going as we engaged in our game of 'catch', me being somewhat inexperienced, he being rather experienced. I was probably about eight or nine years old, my brother and partner in this game of catch around twenty three of twenty four. We were occupying some spare time on the farm where we lived & where we often took part in outside activities like kicking around a soccer ball or donning our gloves to play catch with the baseball. On this particular day the sun shone, the cows were out in the field, the pigs were wallowing in their muck, the horses meandered in the pasture, the chickens scurried about the yard, the dog lay on the doorstep, the ducks waddled around and life was good as we threw the ball to each other, laughing and enjoying the day. As I played catch with one brother, the other brother was inside (probably rolling some cigarettes) and my mom was also inside the house doing laundry I think. We had the playing field to ourselves.......none of the animals were in range or needed to fear our game.

I readied to return the ball to my brother, making a big production of the wind up, getting into the proper stance, then proceeded to deliver the pitch. Just as I was set to throw someone walked into the path the ball would take; I noticed too late; the ball had left my hand; it headed straight for its target (my brother's glove) but was intercepted by a body. It was my mom.......and the ball hit her right square on the side of the head......whap!

Oh good grief. I couldn't believe what I had just done! She staggered and cried "Oh catch me" as she was going down. My brother caught her and lowered her gently to the ground. I had knocked her out cold with the baseball! She came around & my two brothers took her inside the house to sit down in a chair. As all of this unfolded I began to cry. I was unconsolable. My brother tried to tell me that mom was going to be all right but I was hearing nothing & continued to wale. They all tried to talk to me but I was in no way receptive to hearing any of their words; I was just in distress over what I had done.

Eventually I calmed down (seems like it took forever to be able to stop crying) & I talked to my mom and she assured me she was ok and life went on.

There are many days, times, occasions & happenings I will remember always, this one among them; I shall never ever forget the day I hit my mom in the head with a baseball.

Groundhog Day

Wiarton Willie says it will be an early spring this year.

Wiarton Willie is from Ontario.

Shubenacadie Sam is also predicting an early spring.

Shubenacadie Sam is from Nova Scotia.

Punxsutawney Phil as well predicts an early spring for the US.......he is from Pensylvania.

So there you have it.........according to the groundhogs spring will be early in 2011. WooooooHoooooo! I'm sure some folk who have had a bad winter this year will be delighted if that should come to pass and why should it not? After all Willie and Sam and Phil all say it's so. That's good enough for me! How about you?

The origin of Groundhog Day came with German settlers in the 18th century.